I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
