i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I want her autograph on my taint
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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