I'm so fucking centered right now
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize