Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
