sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
