two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize