I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
