I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Say something about gay babies.
and she was petting her beer can
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Randomize
