GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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