I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
