Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
