god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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