Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
