I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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