i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
