I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
