i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize