I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
