So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
