I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
