My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I can text with my tongue
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
