i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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