I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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