Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
