On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize