allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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