my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
