I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
