Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
