sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
