I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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