At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
