A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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