my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
