you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
