It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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