By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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