if only i could text you this smell
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
