I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
