I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
