I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
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