i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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