I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
