It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
