He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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