Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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