tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
