and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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