Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
These tits shall not be calmed
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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