Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
