I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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