getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize