i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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