I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
