we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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