i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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