I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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