How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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