I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
