i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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