oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
