Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
