There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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