It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
