I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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